(excerpt from The Alchemy of Human Design)
Let’s Talk About Sex
Is sex a basic need? Can you physically survive without sex? Sex is not a need; it is a gift that nourishes two people in a relationship. It is a basic nutrient—just like sharing our feelings, thoughts, dreams, passions, desires, hurts, weaknesses, time, hopes, joy, truth, and love—when we are in a relationship where we are sharing our whole-person. This is called intimacy.
Intimacy is the result of being known and accepted (sharing our whole-selves), which implies there is a relationship built on honesty and love. Intimacy can and should happen with friends. Friendship involves two whole-people who know who they are and how they are designed and are moving to give their truth, time, and talents to love and encourage each other. Intimacy is being known and accepted physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally. Intimacy can be reflected in sex, but sex DOES NOT create intimacy.
When two people have this connection and this intimacy, sex will be a gift that nourishes both people physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. It will be a gift that moves their knowing and accepting of each other to a deeper level where bodies are shared, and there is deeper whole-person exposure and opportunity to be nourished. Sex can nourish an existing relationship at deep levels. However, sex cannot create connection, intimacy, or a real relationship. Having sex without these things will reduce sex to a physical high that we can easily become addicted to and want more and more of to fill the emptiness in ourselves and fill the gaps in an unhealthy relationship.
When sex is something we are using to get love, tell us who we are, change a feeling, distract our minds, and curb a physical craving, we get the exposure that sex guarantees and none of the nourishment. Sex then encourages “bad feeling” feelings, and it leaves us feeling even more empty after the high wears off. If sex makes us feel guilt, shame, pain or incites fear, then sex is not a gift and it is not being given and received as the amazing gift it was designed to be—and in the relationship it was designed to be given in. A relationship built on sex does not last. Sex in the place of love is rejection of the true-self.
When we are full of divine love, sex will be a reflection of that fullness. When the false-self tries to use sex to fill itself up to feel love, there will never be enough sex to fill the emptiness and enough amazing sex to feel good all the time. Sex will always reflect whether we are moving to give ourselves out of fullness or moving to consume out of emptiness. Unfortunately, sex has become too important in relationships and completely not important in relationships. Sex is not the most important, and it definitely is not unimportant. It’s a place that two people create to connect on every level and nourish an already deep level of intimacy.
Sex by yourself cannot nourish the parts of you that sex was designed to nourish. Porn and online sex is a false-self transaction that requires nothing true; it is a transaction. It is about consumption. It’s like junk food. You get a quick high; it satisfies a temporary craving, but it leaves you hungry for more.
You are not designed to be defined by sex, a lack of sex, or a type of sex but by love. We are not in a relationship with sex, just like we are not in a relationship with food. Neither food nor sex can love you back. We are in a relationship with people where we can both share and enjoy gifts like food and sex. What we do can never be who we are. Sex is a gift that we give and receive when we are present—mind, body, heart, and spirit. It is a special gift that we give and receive to help us remember the gifts that we already have like love, truth, trust, and connection. Sex can be a gift that helps us remember who we are. We are loved. Don’t let sex or the lack of sex tell you who you are.
Sex is important in a healthy relationship. It reminds us that we are both vulnerable, sensitive, transparent, fragile, needy, desperate, and dependent on love and whether that love is flowing through each other. When we are full of love, we will want to share all of ourselves, our hearts, minds, spirits, and bodies with each other and nourish our relationships. When we are full of divine love, we will naturally develop a rhythm and flow in our relationship that includes a healthy sex life.